Анекдоты на английском

Bagira

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test.

First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"

Johnny replies, "Legs."

So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"

"Pockets," Johnny replies.

Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"

"Rome," is his answer.

With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks, "Well, shall we pass him?"

"Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!"

Bagira

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Bagira

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board,but
unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball
player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he
takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the
world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says " I am the President of the
United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of
the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he
takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year
old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The
boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most
intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

Bagira

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Well, then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Bagira

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Миху

Four-year-old little Johnny
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"

Миху

Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is, and she replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again, she replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Then, Johnny asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
His mother shouts, "Go to your room, young man!"
On the way to his room, Johnny trips over his mother's purse and her driver's license falls out. He glances at it and then says with a grin, "I know all about you now...You're 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds, and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Bagira

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."

As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

Миху

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I"ve been seeing this girl for a while and she"s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight"s "the" night. We"re having dinner with her parents, and then we"re going out. And I"ve got a feeling I"m gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she"s had me, she"ll want me all the time, so you"d better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Миху

- Name?
- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
- Sex?
- Four times a week.
- No, no, no... male or female?
- Male, female... sometimes camel...

Миху

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig"s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich"s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don"t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat"s urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn"t wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can"t jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you"re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human"s neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

It"s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the "30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven"t got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male"s head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can"t kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

Миху

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.The Italian
Immigration agent stops them and tells them: "It"sa illegala to putta 5
people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it"z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort
unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can"ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are
thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor
over, schnell ! I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, " He can"ta come. He"sa busy
witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

DemOnAngEL

вспоминается анекдот про мадам и щелочку в купе вагона)))
слышали?

Миху

DemOnAngEL писал(а):

вспоминается анекдот про мадам и щелочку в купе вагона)))
слышали?

Расскажи, лично я не слышал.

Bagira

трудности перевода:

A gypsy woman — Женщина из гипса
A naked conductor ran along the roof — Голый кондуктор бежал по крыше
Airborne — рожденный в самолёте
Airborne — зачатый в самолёте
All by myself — Всё покупаю сам
Bad influence — Плохая простуда
Bye bye baby, baby good bye — Купи купи ребенка, ребенок хорошая покупка
Can you hear me — Ты можешь меня здесь
Do you feel alright? — Ты справа всех знаешь?
Duly received — Получил фигу
Enduring freedom — Век воли бы видать!
FAR manager — Начальник далеко
Finnish people — Конченые люди
God only knows — Единственный нос бога
Good products — Бог на стороне уток
Hell knows — адский нос
Honey, don t! — Меда нет!
HP Laser Jet — Лазерная струя в лошадиную силу
I am going to make you mine — Я иду копать тебе шахту
I am just asking — Я всего лишь король жоп
I have been there — У меня там фасоль
I have just saw your balance sheet — Видел я ваш баланс... так себе баланс
I know his story well — Я знаю твой исторический колодец
I ll be back — Я буду спиной
I’ll be back — Я буду пчелиной спиной
I love you baby — Я люблю вас, бабы!
I saw my Honey today — Я пилил мой мед сегодня
I will never give up — Меня никогда не тошнит
Just in case — Только в портфеле
Let it be! — Давайте есть пчел!
Manicure — Деньги лечат
Marmalade on toast — Мама на тосте
May God be with you — Майская хорошая пчелка с тобой
No need to run — Нет, надо бежать!
Oh dear — Ах, олень
Phone seller — Позвони продавцу
Press space bar to continue — Космический бар прессы продолжает ..
Space marine — Морской пробел
Spirit is good but flash is weak — Спирт есть – мяса мало
Super trooper — Великолепный патологоанатом
To be or not to be — Две пчелы или не две пчелы
To kill a man — Человек, злоупотребляющий текилой
Undressed custom model — Голая таможенная модель
Watch out! — Посмотри снаружи!
We are the champions — Мы шампиньоны
General protection failure — Неудачная защита генерала
What's up? — Что сверху?
Copyright — Скопировано правильно.
Give me a buzz when you're done — Подайте мне автобус, когда Вы сделаны.

Анекдоты на английском

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